The years you spent in Egypt were brutal. You don't think you'll survive the Exile from Egypt. But you can't turn around or Pharaoh's army will capture and kill you. The Red sea in front of you looks like it will engulf you. But you have to take the first step and trust the Lord is going to part it for you.

Exodus 14

About 6 weeks before my ex-husband (who I will refer to as "T") walked out on me for the 2nd and final time, I had a very detailed dream that I shared with him and others, but none of us could make any real sense of it.

My dream started out with what appeared to be two separate armies preparing to battle each other. Odd details to note, the battle was going to take place in the air of this huge abandoned warehouse. It looked as if both sides were on conveyer belts of some sort.

Let's label the armies, Side A and Side B for clarity. Side A had roughly 100 people. They were dressed in 1940s attire and were sepia color [like the brown and white looking filter you can choose when printing pictures]. Very meek and modest. I could see all 100 faces, but didn't recognize any of them except for T and I. And in the dream we knew each other and it was as if I knew we were on the same team, but not a couple. Later on, I would clearly see that Side A was representing the past and/or current state that would soon become a part of my past. Side B had roughly 100 people as well, but they appeared to be very futuristic. Complete from head to toe in shiny black armor. Almost like 100 people that looked like Darth Vader. I couldn't see any of their faces. They appeared aggressive and fierce.

Side B definitely looked like the side that would win. But in some strange way, Side A appeared fully confident and had zero fear of going to war against the opposing side. The battle began, and it seemed as if Side B was overpowering Side A, and all of the sudden the leader of the Side B went to lift his mask up. That is the last thing I remember, before waking up in dark concrete room. The only things in that room besides the four walls and floor, were myself and T. And in my hand, I held this little box that upon opening had a letter from my two younger sons that read, "Mom, please come back to us. and P.S it was Preston." In the dream I didn't understand the first part of the letter, but the second part I thought they were attempting to warn me that Preston was the leader of the opposing army that was about to remove his face mask before I went unconscious.

I showed T the letter and without a word said to each other, we began to work together to escape. We were running down dark hallways in the abandoned warehouse where the original battle began. And would soon end up in this round booth that looked like a large telephone booth with a table enclosed. We sat down and a black lady with the kindest eyes looked at me and said, "you've been unconscious for years after the battle, you are now escaping Egypt and you need to get going quickly before they catch you." She proceeded to tell me how to exit the warehouse. T and I both were at the table, but it was as if she only saw me sitting there. Without hesitation, T and I both started running towards the exit. We came to the large open room she had previously described. On the side wall there were yellow metal steps, in a zigzag formation going up to the ceiling almost. At the top you could see a big circle opening that led out, with an exit sign above it. The same kind eyed lady appeared again and said, "hurry its closing." We took off up the stairs. I was going first and running back and forth through the zig zag until I got to the very top, when I heard her yelling, "go back down one, you went to far." As I looked back, I saw the level below me held the opening. The same opening I would see T jumping through without saying a word to me. Not even so much as yelling for me to come back, or hey this way, nothing. As I ran back down, the opening closed right in front of me. Loud alarms started to go off and I woke up.

Less than 6 weeks after that dream, T would return from a work trip on a Thursday night, to inform me he got an apartment and had his move in date moved up to the next morning. He had been gone for 3 days and hadn't spoke to me at all. I wasn't stupid by any stretch but I spent those same 72 hours he wouldn't speak to me, speaking to Jesus. Praying protection over our marriage and believing that the Lord could and would restore and heal, and his goodness would be revealed in such a mighty way. That Thursday night, I sat on our bed reading my Bible, worshipping God, and checking the flight app to see when he would land. Knowing roughly what time he should be home. As it got later and later, I started to wonder if his flight was delayed. So the first text exchange between us in days, was me asking just that, "Hey!! was your flight delayed?" The immediate and direct response followed, "no. about to pull in." About that time I heard the loudest music coming down the road- which was so strange and unlike him. Everything in my Spirit was trying to prepare me for the next hour that would unfold. He walked in with such confidence and pep in his step, as I sat on a bed with sunken cheeks and eyes that essentially were swollen shut from the days of crying because of the anxiety I constantly lived with during my marriage to him. Now that I am months removed from the narcissistic abuse and able to ground myself to actual reality, and not the reality he created and convinced me to believe, I see so clearly that some of God's greatest blessings are in unanswered prayers.

As he came in to the bedroom, before one word was spoke, I could feel my entire body going numb. He sat down in the desk chair and as soon as he started to speak, 100s of tears, one by one rolled down my cheeks. I felt frozen like I couldn't move. I could barely breathe, and it would take everything in me to ask the one and only question I would ask him. "Let me take a guess, you are moving out in the morning?" "yes." was his response. I sat there unable to move, unable to speak, unable to react, unable to breathe, tear by tear continuing to fall. He became angry and started yelling. Not one word did I speak. NOT ONE WORD the entire time. He continued yelling out things as he hurried through house gathering his belongings. Still unable to move, but from the moment he answered, yes, I begin praying over and over in my spirit, "God, please help me. God, please help me move. God, please help me. God, please help me move." over and over and over. It took about 20 minutes, but I felt God pick me up and stand me on my feet and guide me through my bathroom into my closet. Which is also my main prayer closet. There, I lost it. No silent, slow rolling tears, but loud, ugly face, face to the ground crying and begging God. A few minutes later, again I felt him lift me to my feet. I would put on a sweat shirt and walk out to face my future. I wiped my eyes and walked back into my bedroom, where T was sitting back down in his office chair. I will verbatim repeat our final face to face conversation, since it was mostly my words spoke.

My Red Sea Moment

I asked him to look at me in the eyes. He lifted his head and I thought for a moment there may be a few quiet tears rolling down his cheeks. I said, "I am only going to ask you this one time, so please make sure you are 100% sure of your answer. Are you sure this is what you want?" Without hesitation, he immediately responded, "yes."

A calmness I can't explain came over me and I asked him if he would let me hug him bye and then look at me in the eyes as I told him a few last things. He agreed to both. We hugged and I cried for a minute and then he sat back down. He followed through and looked at me in the eyes and the following things are the last things I'd ever speak to him face to face.

"This absolutely crushes my soul and is the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. But I have to turn and walk away from you. I'll never stop praying for you, believing in you and I'll always be your biggest fan, just from a distance now. I can't sit here and watch you box up everything all night and I can't spend another 5 years of my life begging you to stay where you don't want to be. I love you more than any human has ever loved another, Travis, but this is my Red Sea moment. This is my exile from Egypt. If I turn around and go back, Pharaoh's army will capture and kill me and the Red Sea in front of me looks like it will engulf me. But I have to take this step in faith that God will part it for me."

The most spiritual encounter I ever had took place that night. As that last word rolled of my tongue and I turned and placed my foot to take my first step out, it was almost as if I actually stepped on water for a moment. Visibly appeared, physically felt, and spiritually understood. I knew in that very moment, everything changed for me, and I will never look back.

As I got in my car, I completely lost it. The tears flooded my face and fell one by one into my lap. I stared at my house for what felt like forever. Heartbroken as I backed out of my driveway, because I knew the house I was leaving wouldn't be the 'home' as I knew it when I returned in the morning. What I didn't know that night, was that house would feel more like home the following day than it ever had. While I immediately knew the right decision had been made- I was extremely thankful he made the decision. Because of my commitment to God since surrendering my life to him a few years back, I would have never left him. Ever. No matter how bad it had been. I spent exactly 12 months - in a prayer closet, DAILY, praying over my marriage and praying for the Lord to change me to be the wife I needed to be. God's timing is divine and once I completed the 12th month of intentional intimate prayer/worship/bible study time with Him, T made his decision to leave our marriage. (again)

Egypt was Brutal

There are so many details that I could include surrounding our 5 year marriage. But I won't. Because the Devil is in the details and I am not dancing with him. The only details I will include are surrounding him leaving the first time just to come back and do it all over again. And mainly because, I may never understand why God had it unfold the way it did. I lost my dad May 2022. Two months following the death of my father, I lost my husband too. That was the first time T walked out. [well the first time that he didn't come back within a week🫣]

It was by far the most challenging season, I've walked through. I slowly but surely grew stronger. I was healing. I was happy. I was free. I didn't miss him and I rarely even thought about him much anymore, not good nor bad. Four months after he walked out, he started making subtle contact attempts that led up to him asking me to meet him at Dunkin Donuts. We sat there for 6+ hours. Things moved quickly, and he was living back at home within a few weeks.

Fast forward, almost 2 years from the date he walked out the first time. He would end up walking out again. And those 2 years between the 1st and 2nd time, were brutal. I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy to be honest. I know fully I did nothing to deserve the way he treated me, nor the divorce. The letter he left helped confirm that. However, hurt people hurt people. And I pray for that man every day, that the Lord heals the deepest parts of his soul, restores him double everything he lost in the former years of his life, and that a fire is ignited deep in his soul to pursue an intimate and intentional relationship with Jesus. Amen

The in-between

The years spent in Egypt were brutal. I didn't think I would survive the Exile from Egypt. I see the promised land in the far distance. But I've been walking the in-between for months, and do not feel like I've covered much ground.

I've seen the goodness of God through and through since my ex-husband left. While it shattered my heart, It saved my soul. I'm eternally grateful for a Heavenly Father that knows what is best, even when it hurts his heart to hurt ours.

The 5 years I spent in my last marriage/Egypt were brutal, I survived the Exile from it, and I do see the promised land in my future, but I haven't made it there yet. And the in-between comes with challenges of it's own. Healing is hard. Learning to love yourself again is hard. Learning to trust people again is hard. Learning to trust yourself again is hard. Allowing people to get close to you again is hard. So, its often lonely. Really lonely, actually. Seasons of isolation often produce tremendous growth, largely because the battle within the mind is fierce. Learning to replace the lies, schemes, and tactics of the enemy with the light, truth, and word of God is a daily practice. I am far better off today than I have been for the last 5 years. I am stronger, I am wiser, I am healthier, but most importantly- I am closer to God than I would have ever thought possible. and if He is close to the brokenhearted, then that's where I want to be. Psalm 34:18

Surrendering my will for His

The closer I grew to God, I came to a crossroad where I had to make the decision to completely surrender my will in exchange for His will for my life. That is when I finally found complete peace in wherever he has me, for whatever season he has me there. It was the best decision I have ever made, and I'll never look back.

I fully entrust my life and spirit into His hands, whether I am like the Israelites that enter the promised land this side of Heaven, or like Moses, that never makes it into the promised land this side of Heaven because he spent all of his days fighting for, interceding on behalf, and leading the Israelites there.

I am a servant of the Lord, may it happen to me according to His will. - Luke 1:38

Jesus loves you and I am trying!

Jennifer #sittingwithsinners