If you haven't read my last blog, Red Sea Moment, you may want to pause and do that first, for context here.

Most of us know the story of how God used Moses to part the Red Sea, so the Israelites could escape the Egyptian soldiers.

The Israelites, fearful as they looked behind them to see the army approaching and fearful as they looked ahead at the Red Sea that would engulf them. They would ultimately have to make a hard decision, and take a step of faith.

Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” EXODUS 14:13-14

That step of faith forward changed everything for them.

and the sea, did in-fact part for them and they crossed through on dry ground.

A miracle they eye-witnessed.

But if any of them were like me, with serious mental struggles and filled with tons of self-doubt, they probably had an internal dialogue that sounded similar to this:

Did that really just happen? No, maybe I was dreaming? No, I am, in fact, wide awake. I wasn't dreaming. Maybe, it was never a raging sea in the first place and I was over dramatic making it appear to be a large engulfing sea, that actually was never there and I just walked on the ground as it always was. No, it was a raging sea, you saw it with your own eyes. Maybe it parted because John Doe is with us, and the Lord really favors him.

I could keep going but you get it. Yes, we should be resting in awe of the miracle that just took place, but for some of us- it isn't always that easy. And the Lord knows each of his children. Furthermore, he knows some of us often need extra reassurance or confirmation. Let me pause and clarify, No, I do not believe we deserve it nor that God owes us anything additional to his ultimate sacrifice. But how amazing to have a heavenly Father that is so Intune with each of us, with a love so deep for each of us, he does chose to offer additional confirmation at various times in our lives?

Not only did the Israelites cross through to the other side, once they did they were able to look back and see the word of the Lord come to pass before their very eyes.  'The Egyptians you see today you will never see again...'

Then the LORD said to Moses, “Stretch out your hand over the sea so that the waters may flow back over the Egyptians and their chariots and horsemen.” Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and at daybreak the sea went back to its place. The Egyptians were fleeing toward it, and the LORD swept them into the sea. The water flowed back and covered the chariots and horsemen—the entire army of Pharaoh that had followed the Israelites into the sea. Not one of them survived. But the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left. That day the LORD saved Israel from the hands of the Egyptians, and Israel saw the Egyptians lying dead on the shore. And when the Israelites saw the mighty hand of the LORD displayed against the Egyptians, the people feared the LORD and put their trust in him and in Moses his servant. EXODUS 14:21-25

I love to see Old Testament moments come to pass in Modern day. To most of you, my Red Sea moment won't seem as astronomical as the Israelites facing a raging sea. But the Lord knows that step of faith forward for me was one of the hardest things I'd ever do. He knew it was the very last thing I wanted to do. And He also knew, like the Israelites, I felt more comfortable staying in Egypt(my marriage) serving the Egyptians(my husband) until I died, than face the unknown. Because as humans we often associate what is familiar to good and safe. Even when the familiar is the very thing killing us. But God. I am thankful for a God that knows better than I do.

And while I may not have gotten to look back from the other side to see my ex-husband chase after me. Ultimately walk into his own death by a raging sea crashing down on him. [no, 😅I am not saying that's what I wanted, I won't be greedy and ask for more than the Lord has already provided 🫣. Just kidding, Just Kidding] Truthfully, I want him to find all the healing and happiness he deserves. Moving on now.

While my confirmation was different than the Israelites, the Lord provided the most undeniable confirmation for me. That was especially important with this particular Red Sea Moment. See, when my ex-husband decided to walk away again, it shook every thing I had ever known and believed. My other divorces, I could look back and see how it ended there. I could see my disobedience. I could see my lack of allowing Jesus to be the center. I could see that I didn't pray. I could see I wasn't walking with the Lord. But this time, this husband, was 100% different. We hear often how the Lord hates divorces. In my mind, I couldn't reconcile how his hate for divorce met with my obedience, and his promises of redemption would result in a failed marriage. It shook my faith more than any other thing ever has in my entire life.

As you read previously, my ex-husband returned from a work trip on a Thursday night and let me know he would be moving out in the morning. I left that night because my heart couldn't take watching him box up all his belongings. I returned the following morning at 10:00 am. I knew he wouldn't be there, but I would be lying if there still wasn't this tiny bit of me that hoped he had a come to Jesus meeting as he laid in our bed for the very last time alone. Nonetheless, I walked into a house, where his existence was erased. I didn't honestly know how to feel. The 2 years leading up to that moment, were brutal. And exhausting. Loving someone that consistently gave you every reason to hate them, came with challenges the Lord had to walk diligently with me through. My ex-husband was the enemy's strongest weapon and attack on my life and calling to date. And just like that, God provided the protection I needed from the attacks of the enemy. He did so by removing my ex-husband. The only thing left of him, was a letter he wrote me and left on a desk. It was an apology for the hurt and damage he caused me and the boys. At the time, the letter just flat out enraged me. It made me physically vomit. I do plan on sharing the letter at some point. But as of now, it remains boxed up at a friends house so I wouldn't irrationally burn it. 🙄

As I read and re-read the letter, my anger and frustration grew. Sitting at the desk with tears flooding my face, yet again, I flat out said to the Lord, "God, if you are actually real, I need you to reveal yourself to me undeniably. No parables. No mysterious signs. I need to see with my very eyes, the God I put all my faith and trust in for the last 2 years, especially the last year of very specific commands you gave me and I obeyed each one of them. If you are real, I need to see you. and God, If I don't see you, please stay close and don't give up on me, because I don't know if I'll ever believe in you."

I can only fathom the gasps on the other side of this screen. I know it seems harsh, what you just read. But it's raw and real. And God knows what He(God) and I walked through together the last year of my marriage. And we had grown so intimately intwined throughout that year, that yes, I felt 100% safe, having that very raw conversation with God. And he answered.

I call on the Lord in my distress and he answers me. PSALM 120:1

My Restoration of Faith Moment.

Thursday night he returned from a work trip and let me know he would be out in the morning.

Friday morning I returned home to him gone, the letter, and the conversation with God.

As I tried to push through my day, the hand of God was all over me. Undeniably. But you know me and my internal dialogue. But God. He continued to show up time and time again that day. I felt as if I were literally dying on the inside, and frozen, unable to move on the outside.

[I'm weeping as I type this, and in awe of the goodness of God. btw].

But see, 19, 16, 13, & 10 years ago, God already knew what the year 2024 held for me. & he blessed me with four of the best little humans to do life with. All equipped with different strengths. Different personalities. But all with the same undeniable, unconditional love for their mama. A love that I, more than not, feel undeserving of. But God gave it to me anyway. Those 4 little humans + a girlfriend, stayed by me all day. Which mostly consisted of them just sitting in the same room as me, while I sat, zoning out and barely responsive. They stayed anyway. They helped me reorganize my room, and put their money together and asked me if they could take me on a date.

I may have even laughed some through that meal. I felt blessed. I felt my heart softening minute by minute. But God said, hold on Daughter, you need only to be still - let me fight your mental battle and internal dialogue for you, too.....

We got home and were all sitting in the living room. I hadn't touched or looked at my phone much that day and decided to respond to the millions of messages. God's timing is always divine. I NEVER check Facebook messages, I am sure a lot of you can relate to why. But as I was responding to a text, a notification popped up that I had a new FB message. I decided to look. What followed, ensured that no matter what life ever throws at me, I know who holds me in the palm of His hand. I know His love for me is beyond complete comprehension and I will never doubt his will, his way, again. I know He heard my cry out to Him earlier that morning sitting at the desk and he answered.

I had a message from a childhood friend, that I have not seen nor talked to in 30 years. We had each other on social media, but I had not put anything at all about my marriage struggles and ultimately him leaving. There is no possible way this person could have known anything I was facing, unless it was God. I saved his message and I am going to copy it below. I won't do any explaining, because if you have been following my last several blogs, you too, will see the hand of God undeniably.

Essentially he started out by saying something along the lines of,

'Hey, this is going to sound crazy and I've hesitated all day, going back and forth on if I should message you. Maybe this will mean something to you, or is some sort of confirmation for you, I'm not sure, but I need to tell you about a dream I had last night.' [mind you, he sent this on Friday evening, and his dream was from the night before. Which would have been the Thursday night, T returned from his work trip and my Red Sea Moment.]

The Dream

'This will seem really weird I’m sure and I’m going to try and make it understandable. I had a dream last night that I just can’t seem to shake. It has been in the forefront of my mind and I just feel like I need to share it with you even though it truly doesn’t make total sense to me. Maybe it will make sense to you. 

As you know, me and my brother shared a childhood with you and your sister. I don’t remember a whole lot about it but there are things I do remember and they are all good memories. I say that because this dream involved you and me and might have had something to do with our childhood. 

Not real sure. 

So here we go

The dream started with you and me and others in some kind of retreat house. Basically a large house with multiple rooms and a big center for meeting together and hanging out. 

When I saw you , there was an absolute dark cloud over you. You were a mess. You couldn’t think or see straight. My heart broke for you. I don’t know what caused this in the dream but whatever was clouding you was depressing and very overbearing. It didn’t quite control you but it was such a distraction in your life. Even while typing this I’m getting misty eyed because I can still feel that burden that was on you.

The next part is even stranger. You brought to me some items that were symbolic of our childhood. Toys and keepsakes that I had completely forgotten about. But they were so refreshing to see and brought back so many memories. This was in the dream so I can’t currently tell you what the memories were or even exactly what the items were but I do remember they made me feel happy. Whatever it was they were very dear to your heart. It was both a happy thing and depressing thing. Again, none of this makes complete sense to me.

Next was something of a breakthrough. The reason we were at the building we were in is because you were actually the main speaker for the event. You were sharing your heart and your message with all of us there. I feel like the reason I felt so much in this dream when you were around is because you were sharing an experience with me and possibly the others that was so real that you were able to connect and allow people to see things the way you did. It’s almost as if you were such a great speaker that everyone felt what you were sharing.

I don’t know what the childhood thing means but I do want you to know that I’m truly sorry if I ever did anything to hurt your feelings as a kid. I hope I didn’t but if I did I’m so sorry.

This dream was so real to me that I had to share. I hope it means something to you or maybe it’s some kind of confirmation. If it isn’t then I guess that’s okay too. I’ll just be the weird guy that over shared a dream. 

I don’t have dreams like this so it’s really bothering me to the point I just had to share.'

But God.

First, this dream was the 3rd time in 2 years that someone told me they saw me speaking and sharing my testimony. The 1st time was a female counselor from church, whose husband was counseling T, before he walked out on us the first time. I knew in my marriage, the #sittingwithsinners ministry would struggle to thrive with the constant state of survival mode I was in with him.

Secondly, friends please let me encourage you to step boldly into anything the Lord gives you. Even at risk of being the crazy guy that overshares dreams. The Lord quite literally used my childhood friend to pull my soul from hell's door. His obedience to the Lord, at all cost, literally saved my life. I'll never be able to repay him for the blessing he gave me and the generations that follow me, but I hope if he reads this - he knows he is undoubtedly anointed by the Lord and used mightily for kingdom work.

Jesus loves you and I am trying!

Jennifer #sittingwithsinners