4 seems to be my number.

Out of order, but better than completely omitted... I suppose.

And probably the hardest of all the things for me to talk about. Hence my delay in publishing this. Being a teen mom, having (4) kids, (2) baby-daddies [yiiiikes], a slew of mental health struggles, covered in tattoos and a professional of bad choices. Ohhh, let's not forget a former addict, recovering alcoholic, and suicide attempt survivor. [There was a point in my journey I would jokingly say, "I can't do anything right. I literally failed at trying to... myself?"🫣🫣 ....very unhealthy of me, very unhealed of me, very inappropriate use of my sense of humor of me] For the record, I have since spent more time in a therapist's office than most people spend at their job. Anyway, all those things seem easier for me to talk about than this next one. This is like swallowing broken glass with every word.

Along with all the other things I've failed at by the world's standards- Marriage is at the top of the list. And it's heartbreaking for me because it's one of the things that I wanted most in life. Regardless of my experiences, I still fully believe in the marriage union and it's significance. Seeing that's how Jesus chose to illustrate his love and relationship with us, I'm sure he agrees. Paul compares the relationship between a husband and wife to the relationship between Christ and the Church in Ephesians 5:22-33.....

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church...

When my last marriage started failing, it crushed me. I mean absolutely destroyed me- and not just because of the loss of him [no offense to him, ha]. What broke my heart the most- was seeing how much the adversary is attempting to destroy humanity's relationship with God by distorting our understanding of his love. And using marriage to accomplish it.

And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, made ready as a bride adorned for her husband. -Revelation 21:2

If God uses the bride and groom as the picture of his union with us, but the marriage union earth side is so easily broken and disposable.....then our understanding of his love starts to become distorted. i.e. my husband left me so easily, without cause-

[according to his own words, (since he left a handwritten letter that I did briefly torture myself reading and re-reading).... "you're the best person I've ever known. you are the love of my life and best friend. You have a heart of gold and a smile that lights up the room, but I've put that light out in you for years and I can't do that anymore. Don't blame yourself. You tried to love me every way you could. The circumstances just got the best of me." 🙄(blahblahforgivemeLORDthispartisstillhealingblahblah) 🙏 just kidding. kinda. actually not at all.] Will GOD do the same? The answer is, No. No, he will never leave you nor forsake you.

...for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” -Deuteronomy 31:6

Okay, I'm done being childish. But I believe it was Kesha who once said, "Some things only God can forgive." I'm kiddinggggg. I'm done for real now. And since Kesha isn't God and God told me to forgive everyone, I forgive him AGAIN. Just like the first time he walked out for 4 months and I forgave him and I took him back. This time I choose to forgive again. [yikes, girl, the level of pettiness that comes out as I write clearly tells me I need to do more healing work with Jesus🫣] Truthfully, hurt people hurt people. Therefore, I pray that the ultimate physician heals the hurt in the deepest parts of him, restores to him all that he lost throughout his life, and that a fire within him is ignited to pursue the Lord intentionally and intimately. And I fully release him back to the Lord [and world], and that chapter in my life is permanently closed. Okay moving on, before I call an emergency therapy session.

But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed. -Isaiah 53:5

Obviously, we are a long way from where God wants us to be. Our marriages rank high on the list.

If Godly marriages display God's unconditional, unwavering love [how he intended it to], it wouldn't be such a hard concept for us to accept His unconditional, unwavering love; despite our lives filled with imperfections and fleshly battles. However, if we have experienced the exact opposite in our earthly marriage(s), with every failure, we find ourselves re-evaluating if the Lord still accepts and loves us. Our failed marriages show us that love is actually very conditional. If you don't perform, act, or meet an expectation, and sometimes even when you do love them every way you can- you wake up one morning and just like that, it's gone.

The plural form of marriage(s) is definitely needed -if you are me. Not ONCE, not TWICE, not THREE, but yes, FOUR times. The literal lump in my throat just typing that is enough to make me want to vomit or erase this entire blog. But I won't, because the Lord has not been playing with me the last several months about walking into the calling he spoke into me years ago. He was patient with me for a time, but then he said, 'Time's up, giirl' and started removing every distraction and excuse I had before. The Samaritan woman at the well, helped heal some deep parts of my soul. It was a beautiful reminder that God is not surprised by my recent divorce, [or any of the other ones for that matter🫣]

Jesus said to her, “Go, call your husband, and come here.”  The woman answered him, “I have no husband.” Jesus said to her, “You are right; for you have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband. What you have said is true.” - John 4:16-18

The first verbal confirmation Jesus gave to humanity that he was the Messiah, was to a woman with the messy past filled with lots of husbands. That shows me (2) things:

1. Jesus sees the significance in women.

2. Jesus uses who He chooses, [despite how the world views their messy past.]

The woman said to him, “I know that Messiah is coming (he who is called Christ). When he comes, he will tell us all things.” Jesus said to her, “I who speak to you am he.” -John 4:25-26

So the woman left her water jar and went away into town and said to the people, “Come, see a man who told me all that I ever did. Can this be the Christ?” They went out of the town and were coming to him. -John 4:28-30

There's not a doubt in my mind that woman struggled to see her worth and value before that life changing encounter. But after the Lord reveals himself to you in such a mighty way- fearful and ashamed, you still find yourself stepping out into the world that judges you so harshly to tell them about the Goodness of God. A God that sees past all your 'messy.' And btw, God takes the messy and he reaches the masses.

 Many Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman's testimony, “He told me all that I ever did.” - John 4:39

According to (Revealing Divorce Statistics In 2024 – Forbes Advisor)

1st marriages = 43% result in Divorce

2nd marriages = 60% result in Divorce

3rd marriages = 73% result in Divorce

4th marriages = oh wait... I don't know, because they stop at (3) marriages.😩 You wanna know why? [besides the obvious] Because...

According to (census.gov)

LESS THAN 1% of the POPULATION GETS MARRIED 4 or MORE TIMES!

Which also led me to the conclusion that 99% of the population is, in fact, smarter than I am. 😩 I guess it would be unfair if God made me hilarious and smart.

(Forbes Advisor) included another interesting statistic in their report;

6% of divorced couples, reconcile and restore their marriage.

Out of that 6%, 72% of those couples successfully remain married to one another.

Since my last marriage fell in that slim chance of 6%, Surely we would also fall into that much larger chance of 72% that successfully make it work. I was wrong.

The odds were clearly always stacked against us. But I serve a God bigger than any statistic, so when my last husband and I reconciled just for it to come to an end... again- my world was completely rocked and everything I had ever believed was shaken.

You met the 4 P(s), so allow me to introduce you to the 4XH(s)...🤯judge me now.

This does not and will not bash anyone. 🤐 Simply, just a quick synopsis and timeline.

The devil is in the details, and I'm not dancing with him.

And surprisingly, I have good relationships with 2 out of the 4.

[XH1]

• 13-19 years old.

• Had our 1st son at 17. (pregnant at 16)

• Married just shy of 18.

• Had our 2nd son at 19.

• Divorced at 19.

• Together we have Peyton(19yrs) & Preston(16yrs)

We were babies having a baby.

To this day him and his wife, Tina, remain a few of my closest friends. My 2 older sons have witnessed nothing but love and healthy relationship skills from our ability to co-parent. Don't get me wrong, its not perfect, and there have been seasons with stormy weather. But once we divorced, co-parenting wasn't an option, it was requirement. However, being friends was an option and that's what we chose. I often get asked how we co-parent so well- my response has always been,

[XH2]

• 20-27 years old. 

• Married at 22.

• Had our 1st son together at 23.

• Had our 2nd son together at 26.

• Divorced at 27.

• Together we have Paxton(13yrs) & Parker(10yrs)

The biggest thing here is he was an amazing stepdad to the older (2).

We have a good relationship, it's just taken more work than the first one did. He is the most hardheaded man I've ever known, but he is a good dad. he IS mooooody tho 😅 haha I'm kidding, kinda, not really. My only concern has always been the example he is for our boys. And that he does a great job of! When people ask me how we co-parent so well, my response is,

[XH3]

• 2015-2017.

Woof. The abuse - mentally and physically in this marriage altered my brain chemistry and forever changed me. However, I do not harbor any feelings of resentment for him and to this day, his name remains written on a piece of paper taped to the door of my prayer closet.

[XH4]

• 2019-2024.

If you didn't notice earlier, I still have some healing work to do here. I open up more about this in a coming blog. Not in a way to bash him, but in a way to encourage other women, who may find themselves in such a place of desperation. It's a HUGE part of my testimony, furthermore, its the years leading up to and my exile from Egypt. Its my, if I turn around Pharaoh's army will capture and kill me, and the red sea in front of me looks like it will engulf me, but I have to trust my God to part it when I take the first step.

A question I most often get is, "Why are you so quick to get married?"

and for those of you wondering the same, I answer that very question in my blog, Religion or Relationship?... or both?

In conclusion, I am fully aware that I am the only common denominator.

Friends- Fight for your marriage. Keep Jesus the center. Seek outside help if needed. But don't walk away without cause. and remember what you consider 'cause' is between you and Jesus.

I fully believe divorce has a larger impact than just one marriage falling apart or one generation impacted. I believe each divorce plays a part in shifting the image of Christ's love for his bride. and it breaks my heart that I contributed to that shift. [4x]

Jesus loves you and I am trying,

Jennifer #sittingwithsinners