God uses who HE chooses.

Oct 19, 2024

10 min read

Don't let anyone tell you anything different than what GOD said.

Seek the Lord, listen to His voice, and-

DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU ANYTHING DIFFERENT THAN WHAT GOD SAID.

God has gifted me with a particular spiritual gift. While it can fall under a few of the gifts of the spirit, if I were to go a step further- it's a very specific gift, 'the gift of extended or extra time.'

DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU ANYTHING DIFFERENT THAN WHAT GOD SAID.

A while back, I had an extremely heartbreaking dream. A few mornings later, I was on my way to drop the boys off at school and the Lord revealed to me with great clarity the meaning of the dream.

I found myself overwhelmed with both gratitude for the way this gift has helped me in the past and sadness that I never truly appreciated the blessing it was before now.

'There are different kinds of gifts. But they are all given to believers by the same Spirit. There are different ways to serve. But they all come from the same Lord. There are different ways the Spirit works. But the same God is working in all these ways and in all people. The Holy Spirit is given to each of us in a special way. That is for the good of all. To some people the Spirit gives a message of wisdom. To others the same Spirit gives a message of knowledge. To others the same Spirit gives faith. To others that one Spirit gives gifts of healing. To others he gives the power to do miracles. To others he gives the ability to prophesy. To others he gives the ability to tell the spirits apart. To others he gives the ability to speak in different kinds of languages they had not known before. And to still others he gives the ability to explain what was said in those languages. All the gifts are produced by one and the same Spirit. He gives gifts to each person, just as he decides.'

1 Corinthians 12:4-11

The gift of extended time.

Time to process and accept.

There have been several life altering events throughout my 37 years. Every single of them, and I mean every single one, I had some sort of revelation or divine intervention that warned me, prepared me or made my outlook different on events that were about to unfold.

This is in no way intended to tear anyone down, and make anyone feel bad for their decisions. This is 100% intended to remind those of you that the world often shuts you down and you feel unworthy to be used by God so mightily or unworthy to receive his blessings. Maybe it's because you don't hold a certain image or because your walk has been on the off-road, rugged trail. Those of you who were often made to feel that there was no way He was warning you that directly, there is no way He was equipping you that sharply, there is no way He was using you in that capacity.

DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU ANYTHING DIFFERENT THAN WHAT GOD SAID.

Forgive those that make you feel that way, they probably don't realize the derailment it causes for those of us already struggling to understand how God could use us, or why He would even choose someone like us. We already struggle to believe in ourselves. You know why? Because the world has told us over and over that we are failures by it's standards. So we have grown to believe that there's no way it could be us.

DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU ANYTHING DIFFERENT THAN WHAT GOD SAID.

This dream completely shattered my heart when I woke up on a random Tuesday morning and it took more than 24 hours to realize it wasn't meant to break my heart it was meant to reveal the beauty of God choosing me. The dream was almost a do-over, if you will, of my dad's death. He still died in the end but there were several days up until his death that I handled completely different than I did in real life. In my dream, he was still very visually sick, however I didn't know he only had a few days left. And I didn't necessarily make choices as if it were the last days I'd have with him.

See God knew me before I was formed in the womb....

'You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.'-Psalm 139:15-16

God knew the attachment and relationship I would have with my earthly father, he knew his death would take a part of me too. He also knew that if I carried any guilt after my father's passing, it would consume me the rest of my life and hold me back from moving forward. So God gave me just what He knew I needed and He blessed me with extended time to accept and process the events unfolding.

While his death still feels as if it were yesterday, some how it feels like he has been gone forever. The following events are the real life events that unfolded surrounding my dad's death.

DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU ANYTHING DIFFERENT THAN WHAT GOD SAID.

April 29, 2022, we took him to the ER. Around 8pm that night I was the only one up there with him at this point, and this Dr came on shift. She came into talk to us. For some reason I had this hot lava coming up my throat that I needed to ask her to step out in the hallway with me. So I did. When we got out there I asked her to please tell me directly, without kid gloves, what is happening. I'll never forget her words to me or the weight of her hand on my shoulder as she was walking away and I slid down the wall to my butt and bawled in that hallway. The words she spoke next forever changed my life, "I've never seen anyone's liver count that high and them be alive. I'm so sorry but I don't believe your dad will make it out of the hospital. I would advise you- if possible to get all his affairs in order before you move into ICU, because he won't leave there. Get through tonight with him and tomorrow I would call any of your siblings and his family from out of town to come see him."

-It was the first time I saw her in the several hours we had already been there and it was the last time I'd ever see her.

-I started calling family. Those that live out of town, we're standing in the same hospital by the next morning.

That night my dad was moved up to ICU. My sister and the night nurses just didn't see what the ER Dr told me. They said looking at his appearance it didn't look like someone facing death, his numbers on his charts, and all the other factors nurses use, to determine where a patient is, just didn't line up with what the Dr said. It was even said by multiple nurses that the ER Dr should have never said that to me.

However my spirit kept nudging the words 'he wouldn't leave,' so I walked through the next 10 days as if they were his last 10 days.

DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU ANYTHING DIFFERENT THAN WHAT GOD SAID.

The next day in the hospital (April 30th) I told my sister, that the Lord had placed heavily on my spirit, Sunday, May 8th. Somehow it would hold great significance for my dad and this hospital stay. While I was tempted to assume it meant my dad would pass away that day, he didn't give me the exact context of the events for May 8th just that they would be significant. That would end up being the day we finally moved my dad across the street to Alive Hospice to make him comfort care. And in less than 48 hours he would answer his call home.

The first week in the hospital was filled with so much confusion, so much up down, back forth, different doctors and different nurses all saying different things. At one point I started to wonder if I was wrong, because I wasn't a medical professional; I have no idea what his 'numbers' are saying and because I am no saint so there was no way God would choose to give me that pertinent of information.

DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU ANYTHING DIFFERENT THAN WHAT GOD SAID.

May 6, 2022, day 7 in the hospital. The cardiologist came in and that same burning lava in my throat to ask him to step out in the hallway was ever present. When we were out there I asked the question for the second time, please tell me directly, without kid gloves, what is happening. I will quote his words as they have been on replay in my head. "If it were my dad, I'd take him home or take him where he is going to pass away whether that be his home, your home, nursing home, etc. anywhere where he won't hear the constant beeping from the machines or have nurses in and out all day long poking him. He doesn't have long, and if it were my dad, I'd make him comfortable and surround him with his loved ones."

After a few more uphill battles, we were able to move my dad across the street to Alive Hospice. We moved him late Sunday night, May 8, 2022, they cleaned him up and made him comfortable, and I never left his side.

Over the next day or so, I repeatedly asked my sister and the nurses if he was okay, because we didn't have the machines notifying us anymore. And certain noises would scare me. I asked so many times, that I could feel the frustration when I asked. Nurses told me at one point, 'I've done this for 'x' amount of years, I know how to tell if someone is close and he isn't.' Eventually, I asked if I had enough time to shower and once again was met with a 'yes I already told you I would let you know when he is close and he isn't.'

See I feared the minute I left his side, he would die. Because when I was 12 years old, my grandma died right in front of just me, from the exact thing that killed my dad right in front of me. It was the first time my dad left her side in weeks because he had to go to physical therapy and it wasn't 10/15 minutes after he left that she passed. When we all made it to the hospital after the ambulance, I remember very vividly this pink waiting room at the hospital and the lights super dim. I remember it was the only time I ever saw my dad completely lose it and the only time I ever saw my dad cry until his 10 day stay in the hospital. He just kept saying 'I shouldn't of left her.' I remember at 12 years old while completely traumatized from what I just saw, being overwhelmed with gratefulness that my dad didn't have to see his mom like that. I remember at 12 years old watching my dad cry and it sucking the breath right from my lungs. I remember at 12 years old, telling my dad that she didn't want him to see her like that so she waited until he left. I remember trying to say anything that would stop his hurt and guilt for not being there. I do truly believe my grandma fought to hold on until my dad wasn't there to see it.

I was fearful my dad wouldn't want me to see him that way, so he too would hold on strong until the minute I left. And then I too would be consumed with guilt that I left him. Luckily my dad had a shower in his room at Alive Hospice.

May 10, 2022 around 2:00 pm I got in the shower, and I broke. Completely broke. I was emotionally exhausted and consumed with knowing any minute is the last minute I'll ever have with my dad. I cried in that shower for over an hour. Until a nudge from the Holy Spirit to get out and that it was getting close.

DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU ANYTHING DIFFERENT THAN WHAT GOD SAID.

I got myself together and went back to sit by his side. I asked again if he appeared to be close. Both my sister and his nurse said he didn't seem close based off their experience.

Not even an hour or so later I heard my favorite unexplainable, yet audible voice, say 'pray for him one last time.' I didn't like what he said, I started panicking, and trying to ignore it. Because I just kept hearing the word 'last' scream the loudest. I didn't say anything to anyone yet, because time and time again, when I tried to express what I was given it was met with such opposition and disbelief.

DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU ANYTHING DIFFERENT THAN WHAT GOD SAID.

Again, the same audible voice, 'pray for him one last time,' this time I felt this supernatural sense of urgency. I looked at my sister and said let's pray for dad.

And the final time that same audible voice said 'pray for him one last time.' I looked at Kerby and said come over here and let's pray. She asked me if I wanted her pray. I told her yes. My brother was getting up to walk out and that audible voice said 'tell him to stay.' So I told my brother to please stay, the whole time this supernatural sense of urgency was speeding up. I could feel the pressure in my chest building up and my heart rate speeding up. We closed our eyes and my sister started to pray. Not 30 seconds into her prayer, my dad took his last breath, and I felt him leave. I knew he was gone but I didn't want to open my eyes and it be true.

The following screams, cries, and complete and utter heartbreak that filled that room, were moments I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Time and time again, God gave me the blessing of extended time to accept and process events that were going to unfold.

DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU ANYTHING DIFFERENT THAN WHAT GOD SAID.

I never fully appreciated the blessing this was, until this extremely disturbing dream. See that extended time He gave me to accept and process what was about to unfold, was also what helped me handle those last 10 days the way I did. I know my dad died knowing, I never left him and how much I loved him. I wanted to do for him the same thing he had always done for me. My dad never left me. Ever. and I knew he never would on this side of heaven. And my dad loved me unconditionally and I never for a second doubted it. 'You saw me take my first breath and I saw you take your last'